Positive Connections #9: Constructively Engaging Conflict (Part 2 of 2)

There’s a phenomenon I’ve noticed as I’ve coached and worked with leaders and groups. I’ve noticed this phenomenon in my own organizational leadership and as a collaborator as well. I see that it happens everywhere I go. It’s this: People end up in roles that require them to work with a person (or people) who triggers their every emotional trigger. I suspect karma or the universe is responsible for this. Maybe it happens so that we can learn to get over ourselves. Regardless, it happens… and it’s uncomfortable.

Here are some examples of what this phenomenon might look like. A person who really needs control just to feel settled and focused will have to work directly with a person who likes to improvise and “go with the flow.” Someone who is really drama-adverse or emotions-adverse will have to work with a person who wants to express his personal issues before starting every meeting. A person who gets triggered by people who talk in circles or go off on tangents has to collaborate with a person for whom linear thought is a mystery.

Here’s the thing. None of the “triggering” traits I just mentioned are in themselves “bad” or even unnecessary in a collaborative effort. A person who is able to go with the flow can be a huge asset as organizations have to adapt to the inevitable changes that come their way. The one who wants to express personal issues is trying to connect with fellow humans in a way that research shows is key to positive and productive work cultures. Non-linear thinkers often have creative and out-of-the-box ideas that drive innovation for an organization. Still, these working-style triggers are tough to deal with and are often the catalyst for conflict in the workplace.

In the previous newsletter, we explored the ways that conflict can be engaged constructively when you’re on the receiving end. When someone comes hot and heavy at you, we learned that it’s important to take a pause and breathe. Then one can affirm that the person is upset by paraphrasing what they’ve said and asking clarifying questions that help you (and them) understand what the real problem is. Then it’s helpful to move towards a common-ground solution.

In this newsletter, we’ll explore how you can approach someone with a potentially conflict-creating issue or challenge in a way that is constructive and helpful for everyone involved.

Ideas for Engaging Conflict Constructively:

Look inside first. Marshal Rosenberg, author and founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication. says that conflicting feelings (i.e. criticism, anger, shame, judgment, fear, etc.) are the result of unmet needs. What is it that we need when we are experiencing conflict? If I feel conflict because someone constantly interrupts me, it’s because I have the unmet need to be heard and understood. If you have bad feelings towards someone because they used a condescending or dismissive tone, it’s probably because you have the need to feel valued and respected.

Understanding our own emotions - and the unmet need that leads to our emotions - helps us understand the root cause of the problem. Deeper awareness of ourselves and the needs of others allows us to be creative in our solutions.

With this understanding, we can enter the conversation with clear ideas about what the real issue is. A person, then, can state their need to help the other person understand and find a solution. It might sound something like this:

Timing, Tone, and Telempathy:

Timing is one of the most underrated concepts a person can consider when initiating a difficult conversation with someone. It can ruin things right from the beginning or it can help smooth things out.
First rule about timing: Don’t try to have a conversation/dialogue if you or the other person is angry. It won’t work. It never works. Just wait until you and the other person simmer down.

Beyond that, consider these questions when you need to initiate a potentially challenging conversation with someone:

• Is the person I need to talk to in a calm or calm-ish state of mind? If not, when do they seem to be the most calm or present?
• Am I in a good state of mind? When in the day or week is best for me to be clear, cogent, and respectful?
• When can we have a private conversation with the full amount of time needed to resolve the issue (i.e. don’t do it “on the fly” or in a hurry).

Tone matters. Tone can be like a red ant bite (seemingly harmless and small at first but hurts more and more as it seeps in). Check in with yourself to see if you can say things from a place of really wanting to work it out (rather than wanting the other person to feel your pain). A person can say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” with a tone that can make the other person feel condescended to and put down, or understood and cared for. The tone of our words comes from our intention behind the words. So take a moment to set a respectful and positive intention and the positive tone will follow.

First rule about tone: No matter how many smiley emojis you put in an email, people will read the tone that they think you mean to give, not necessarily the tone you want to give. Therefore - don’t try to engage conflict in an email! I can’t count the amount of times I’ve had to help a leader get out from under a mess they created because of a misunderstood, slightly curt email. Don’t do it. Pick up the phone, or better yet, hop on the virtual call, or even better, find a way to meet face to face. It makes a huge difference.

Telempathy: That’s not a typo. I made up a word that I think fits really well here.

Telempathy: the process of trying to understand what the other person might be thinking and feeling in order to better understand how to communicate with them.

Before you enter a challenging conversation, see if you can really consider what the other person is thinking and feeling about the situation. It will help you choose words that they can receive better. Affirm their thoughts even if you disagree. It could sound like,

Or…

The time and intention we put into constructively engaging conflict with people pays off. It keeps us from having to clean up a mess of hurt feelings and resentment later. It also sets the example we want to see from others as we build towards a thriving collaborative work environment.
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Mindfulness (Heartfulness)

Find a quiet place to breathe and center yourself. Notice if you need to relax certain places in your body - your neck, your shoulders, your jaw, your brow. Breathe into those spaces.

Bring your attention to your breath.

Now bring to mind someone that you have unconditional love for. It could even be a pet.
Picture this person or pet in your mind doing something that brings them Joy.
Watch how joyful they are. Notice their joyful expressions and their joyful movements.

Now notice how you feel. Notice how the joy is now in your own heart. Let that joy spread from your heart through the rest of your body.

Let the feeling of joy radiate outside of your body out into the room. Think about sending the joy to others that might be near you - in the next room, or the building next door. Picture the people receiving this joy.

Now send the joy to one or two people that you have the most regular conflict with. Watch in your mind’s eye as they receive the joy from you and watch how they too become joyful and how it makes you feel.

Then bring the joy back to your own heart where it can nourish you as you go about your day.

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You got this,

Zach

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“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” - William James

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