Emotional Intelligence: What does it look like and how can it help?

4/22/2022

Hi! I'm Zach. I'm a long-time E.I. leadership coach, mindfulness trainer, facilitator/educator and learner. In these newsletters you'll find concrete practices, integrated research and, at the end of each newsletter, a mindfulness practice to help support the E.I. tools and practices I describe. I hope you enjoy being part of this growing community.

I'm starting this newsletter series with an exploration of the practice of Emotional Intelligence (E.I.) - something that folks are starting to understand as an essential component in leadership and organizational development. Both big and small businesses as well as non-profits and schools are starting to pay attention to E.I. practices as an essential piece to their continuous improvement. In addition, I know from my personal exploration, the knowledge and practice of E.I. can also strengthen personal relationships and bring more peace to the home and to friendships.

So what is Emotional Intelligence? Emotional Intelligence (E.I.) is the ability to recognize, understand and navigate emotions in ourselves and others leading to positive actions and positive connections. Sounds simple enough, yes? It can be, but that doesn’t make it easy. What research tells us is that we can learn how to name our emotions and recognize our patterned reactions when these emotions arise. As we learn more about ourselves in this way, it becomes easier to make choices based on a rational and intentional response rather than an unintentional emotional reaction.

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​For example:

I’ve had to learn that when someone blatantly interrupts me, it triggers a charged emotional response in my body. At its worse, I’d name it “anger.” At its most inert, I’d name it “frustration." I’ve learned to feel it as a tightening in my chest. It’s physically uncomfortable. I’ve learned that if I open my mouth while that emotion and uncomfortable feeling is present, then unhelpful words and tones come out of my mouth, often creating messes that I have to clean up later.

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I’ve also learned that if I take a couple of deep breaths and I work to really listen to what the other person is saying - to put myself in the place of a learner in that moment - then the feeling passes. I can then be patient and say what it is I feel needs to be said in a way that contributes positively to the conversation. I may even be able to call out the interruption in a way that raises awareness for "the interrupter" in a positive way. More on how to have a difficult conversation in a subsequent newsletter.

It wasn’t always like this for me. I had to learn how to navigate this situation in an emotionally intelligent way. There have been many instances in my past where I surprised the interrupter (and the rest of the people in the meeting) with a charged, cutting statement or tone in response to their words. It wasn’t helpful and often led to confusion, or worse, distancing and animosity. With simple emotional intelligence practices, we can find a better way.

5 Key E.I. practices that help when you get frustrated:

Pause. Notice the feeling and emotion in your body. See if you can name the emotion and the place in the body that you feel it.

Close your mouth / Stay present. Don’t convince yourself that you can say (or have to say) just the right thing that will ‘really show’ the person. You can have that conversation later. There’s no rush. Also notice if your tendency is to withdraw completely from the conversation. This isn't helpful either. Stay present and engaged as you follow the next steps.

Breathe. Make your out-breath a little longer than your in-breath. Three to five deep breaths will calm the biochemical response that is happening in your body and will allow you to think rationally (i.e. understand better the consequences of your words and how to engage appropriately).

Empathize. Put yourself in the place of a learner. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person?”

Find the right timing. Wait for the right time (be patient): If this is a chronic frustration with someone, find a good time later when you and they are calm to talk to the person about the behavior, how it affects you, and what you need in order to have a positive and collaborative relationship.

With the change in your inner state, you can find the words and actions that help you and the people around you. It takes practice. And it's worth the effort.

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Mindful Practice: Making Healthy Choices in Challenging Moments (5 Minutes)

Find a quiet place to sit comfortably and begin to explore stillness. Gently close your eyes.

Bring to mind a familiar moment you’ve had recently when you became upset at a colleague or someone else in your life. Picture exactly what was happening, what was said, what tone was used. Take yourself there….

Now notice how you feel. How do you know this is upsetting to you? Where do you feel the reaction in your body? Take a moment to feel the physical sensations.

Now breathe into this part of your body and let each breath loosen or lighten the part of your body as if the breath was coming in and melting away a bit of the tension with each slow out-breath. The breath is helping the feeling move through you. You can feel the part of the body softening. Feel it melting each time a bit more into relaxation. Notice your mind softening and relaxing too. Just notice. Just feel for a moment. Your breath is always with you in these moments.

With just a bit of focus and intention, you can change your inner state.
You got this…​​
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“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” - William James

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