#2: Awareness, Intention and Choice

In the previous newsletter, I gave a brief definition of Emotional Intelligence and then an example of what it looks and feels like. Let’s now explore a simple user-friendly framework of E.I. that can help us in our day-to-day choices.

Dr. Amy McConnell Franklin created the framework outlined in the graphic below.

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Awareness: What emotions or feelings am I feeling? What are other people feeling? Can I pause for a minute, find stillness, and become more aware of what is needed?

Intention: What is it that I really want in this situation? Is it to be right? Or is it peace? Can I have both?

Choice: From a place of awareness and within my intention, what can I choose to do or say?

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Here’s an example of a situation where using this framework might be helpful:

You hop on your computer in the morning and see an email from a colleague that surprises you. The email was written at 5:30am and says:

Hey, I need your report ASAP so I can move forward. I thought you’d have it for me yesterday. Now I’m stuck and running behind my deadline for the client…

The thing is, you and your colleague never talked about it being done yesterday. You were going to finish by the end of the week. This is the second time they’ve blamed you for something that wasn’t communicated properly. You feel your heart pounding a little heavier. Your jaw is tightening. You’re forehead is getting hot and red. Now you’re stressed and anxious about something that wasn’t communicated to you properly in the first place. You have some choices to make. Maybe you even wrote a reply email that was written from a place of anxiety and/or frustration (something like… Hey, maybe if you told me you needed it by a certain time, I wouldn’t have to read your mind (aggressive reaction)…or, I’m so sorry, I’ll stop what I’m doing and get it to you right away (passive reaction).

(Side note: There’s a very useful E.I. hint I should mention here that has saved working relationships and even jobs. It goes like this: When you're in a state of reactivity, Don’t. Hit. Send.)

Use the E.I. Framework to navigate towards a more collaborative solution.

Awareness: What are you feeling after reading this email? How do you know? Where do you feel it in your body? Can you breathe into it to let the feeling move through you?

What might your colleague be feeling early this morning when they wrote it? Have you ever been there? Can you empathize?

Intention: What do you want at this moment? Is it to “teach your colleague a lesson?” Is it to apologize profusely hoping the person doesn’t think poorly of you? Or Is it to find the best way to help you and your colleague move forward with the company and client in mind?

Choice: How can you reply in a way that helps you both move forward with calm, positivity, and courage and still allows you your integrity?

A thoughtful reply after taking two minutes to do this mindful process might sound something like this:

Hi (colleague's name), Thanks for the prompt here. I know this is a big project that you’re putting a lot of work into and it must be frustrating to have to wait for something out of your control. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize you needed the report in order to move forward with your part today. My understanding was that I had until the end of the week. I’m not sure where the miscommunication was.

I’ll do my best to move some things around so I can get this done ASAP so you can have it to do your part and so we can better meet the client's expectations.

Also, can we set up a meeting next week to talk about our process/communication to make sure a misunderstanding about timing like this doesn’t happen again in the future? I know how frustrating it can be. I have Wednesday afternoon open. Let me know.

Thanks.

In my experience, an email like this takes about three times as long to craft. Even just for this newsletter, I had to write it, reread it, change things to give the best tone in order to disarm the other person in my scenario. However, it saves time, energy and angst in the long run because it’s done with awareness, intention and choice.

With a pause, some courage and humility, and just a little effort to connect with what really matters to you, you’ll see that going through this process will not only help improve your working relationships leading to better collaboration, you will also be noticed and appreciated for this effort by those you work with and those you work for.

You got this.

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Mindfulness Practice/Journaling Exercise:

Find a quiet moment and space. Sit upright. Close or lower your eyes. Notice your breath for 3-5 breaths.

Don’t over think the answers to following questions. Let the answers to these questions bubble up in the calm. See if you can get to the essence of your day-to-day intentions.

• How do you want to feel at work?
• How do you want others around you to feel?
• What choices can you make on a day to day basis that will help you create the workspace and relationships that you want?
• What intention could you bring with you daily that will help you create the feelings you want for yourself and for others?

Take a moment to visualize yourself making these choices and seeing and feeling the positive results from your colleagues and within yourself.

Be well,

Zach
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“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” - William James

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