Positive Connections #4: Empathy as Leadership

Empathy is a term that is more and more commonly used these days. There are a number of quality school curricula, books, TED talks, articles, podcasts and YouTube videos (here’s a favorite of mine), that aim to help humans both young and not-so-young learn how to be more empathic.

We can define Empathy here simply as the ability to feel and understand what others are feeling. And the research is clear, empathy is something that can be taught, learned and practiced.

There is also a school of thought that has a hard time seeing the value of empathy, especially with regards to work and leadership. I call this the “it’s-not-personal-it’s-business” group. The problem with this view is that it negates two fundamental understandings about leadership:

The first is that unless you work with robots, human-centered and empathic approaches to working with others are essential for high-level collaboration and cultivating creativity in groups.

The second is that when we know how to empathize with someone, we can understand more clearly who they are and what they want. When we understand this more clearly, we can better lead them to where we and or the organization need them to go.

Here’s an example:

I was asked to step into the lead on a collaborative project once that had multiple contractors, creators and workers involved. One of the main creators/designers for the project (we’ll call her Melissa) was heavily involved but didn’t have the authority she needed to make things happen without approval and guidance from the organization I worked for. She was frustrated and had been butting heads with the person who was in the lead before I was asked to step in.

The first thing I did was schedule a one-on-one conversation with Melissa to listen to her frustrations and her wants for the projects (see my recent newsletter on “Listening with Courage”). After I listened, even though I knew there was another side to the story, I put myself in her shoes and I validated her frustration with a simple and sincere empathic phrase: “Yeah. I can see how that would be frustrating.”
With this simple moment of empathy, I watched as Melissa’s shoulders eased and her breathing become more relaxed.
Then I asked her a series of questions that sounded something like this:

1. If you could have this working situation the way you want it, what would it look like?
2. What was at the root of the frustration
3. What part do you think you played in the tension/conflict?
4. What’s the top thing you feel like you need in order to move forward with inspiration and positivity?

Melissa and I began to work together in a way that was collaborative, respectful and even fun at times as we co-created the project. I understood more about what she needed in order to feel valued, and so I was able to work with this as I led the team. To be clear, she didn’t get everything she wanted, but she told be me that for the first time she felt heard and this was enough for her to go forward with trust and more positivity. Through taking the time to empathize, collaborating became easier and more effective for me and Melissa.

5 ways to Lead with Empathy:

Ask questions. In busy times, it’s tempting to bark orders (there’s a place and time for this, but it needs to be reserved for the most urgent moments). Almost all leaders I coach realize that they need to ask more questions in order to find out what their direct reports need in order to do their jobs better. (See my list of questions above for a good place to start with question-asking). In addition, take some time to ask about the personal life of those you work with. The challenges that people deal with at home always affect work life. We, as leaders, should know if someone is dealing with a sick child, or an aging parent, or anything else that might take a large emotional toll on a person. We can then make decisions that will help that person (or a proxy) get the work done that is needed within a climate of care and understanding.

Observe. Take time to pick your head up and observe how people are with one another. Watch them work. Take a moment to observe how they are in meetings and in social situations. See what you can learn from their posture, where they chose to sit, how much they talk in a meeting. This will help you meet them where they are at. (Look for more on reading people for understanding in an upcoming course on E.I.).

Notice your own feelings about the people you work with. Some people just get on my nerves. You probably have the same challenge. It’s normal. You still need to empathize with these people so you can connect and collaborate with them in the best ways possible. Notice your triggers and judgements. Work to breathe through them and put yourself in the shoes of the other even if it’s uncomfortable. It will help you find a way to collaborate with them and it might also help you find a place to appreciate them.

Remember that other people aren’t you. Everyone has their own unique issues, challenges, triggers, default patterns, and needs. If you find yourself frustrated and wondering “Why can’t they just… (fill in the blank)” most likely it’s because they have an unmet need or a long-ago acquired pattern that you may not be able to relate to. Work to understand the source and depth of the pattern. Ask them why they do what they do. In this way you can learn what it might take for them to find another way that is more in line with what you need from them or for you to work with their patterns to create an effective and collaborative team.

Assume positive intentions. If you’ve set up a positive working relationship from your side and someone is still tough to work with, it can feel like that person is just “mean” or “selfish.” That could be true. In my experience, it’s more likely that they either have no idea that they’re coming off that way, or that there’s something that they need from others that they’re not getting and it’s frustrating them. Assuming positive intentions puts us in a place of inquiry. It helps us think “Huh, I wonder why they’re being this way?” With this wondering we can more easily empathize, make the observations we need to make and also ask what we need to ask to get to the bottom of it for the sake of positive collaboration.

Note: I want to say here that empathizing can only take a leader so far with some people. If you’ve asked the questions and really tried to meet the person where they are at and they still won’t come along to where you need them to go, the situation may need more firm and drastic measures.

Empathizing takes intention and extra time. It’s an act of generosity that has the power to change an entire work culture for the better. It’s also a necessity for effective collaboration. With some practice, empathy can become one of the most effective tools in your leadership toolbox.

Mindful Practice/ Journaling:

Find a quiet place to center yourself for the following reflection:

Remember a time when you felt like someone you know really saw you. Maybe it was someone that seemed to understand what you really needed in a challenging moment? Maybe it’s someone who just understands who you really are. Or maybe it was someone who listened to you well and could help you feel understood.

Picture your time with them.

What did they do to help feel this way?

• How did they show interest in you?
• How did they listen?
• How did their ability to empathize affect your collaboration together?

Now picture someone in your life or work that maybe challenging to work with.

• Can you find a way to empathize in order to better collaborate with them?
• What stories or judgements do you have in your mind do you need to let go of in order to better understand the person?
• How can you come to them with more inquiry?
• What questions can you ask them to better understand who they are and why they do what they do?
• Where is the common ground that you can start from in order to collaborate better?

On we go. You got this.

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“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” - William James

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